Saturday, June 5, 2010

Centipedes, Glory Holes and Ugly Stories

SO no post for May huh? Boy am I getting lazy! Actually I think it was because I did not come across anything worth posting about. I am not trying to be cynical or anything. Trust me, when I am you WILL know it! I am just not finding a lot that is good and zomblie related!

However, there are a few things out there that are good and just plain weird! Take for example the new “Gonzo” style book put out by the miserable author whom I tore a new a-hole on my last post. Stand back folks… I am not sure how big this book will get. I was surprised after my reaming of his ‘diary’ book that he contacted me about test reading this one. I assumed that he must be some sorta glutton for punishment. But, you are probably NOT gona believe me when you read this, but… ahem… I liked it just fine!

The story is called “The Apocalypse and Satan’s Glory Hole”. Yes, you read that correctly. It is actually a collaboration between both Zombie Wilson’s turd of a writer Timothy Long (smooches Tim) and a fellow named Jonathan Moon. It follows the coming Apocalypse and all its “glory”. Seeing as how it is impossible to describe the story without getting a nosebleed I will just do the deplorable thing and cut and past the description from Amazon:

“Armageddon arrived on a weekday, which was really inconvenient for a lot of people, including The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. After their appearance on The Kayla Mangrabler talk show, they decided to go their separate ways and cause as much havoc as possible.
Jesus has been stuck at the craps table for three days, sipping vodka and Red Bull, completely missing the end of the world. But he is about to meet up with Death and go on a road trip that will test their resolve and their blood alcohol content.
Meanwhile, an unlikely band of heroes are headed to Las Vegas to fight the Apocalypse. Creepy Chuzz and his one-armed, addict monkey Phil are flying there in an ice cream truck. Chuzz's best friend Leon plans to lend a hand, assuming he can escape the clutches of the insane Father Maniwhore not to mention Pestilence, who has designs on the janitor's bathtub-LSD-addled brain.
Along the way they will encounter bouncing glory hole boxes, militant lesbians, an undead general, a flying demon named Princess Sally, hordes of zombies, and a trio of secret agents hellbent on delivering a Cease and Desist order to Lucifer himself.
They'd better hurry, because the Devil is rising in the desert, and he is hungry to start the Apocalypse that his son could not. But only if he can get it on with his giant floating glory hole.”

See what I mean? This book is surprisingly enjoyable. I have not read the final copy but I am trusting they fixed a few of the mistakes from the test-run that I read so I can’t say for sure if the editing is up to snuff, but hey with a story like this I would think a few mistakes would be on the plus side! WTG boys, you have managed to make my brain bleed with your nonsense!

Then there was the insanely out of the way movie sis and I watched last weekend called “The Human Centipede”. WTF? Go on, look it up. I don’t think I can even begin to describe this film. I will say that the subject matter was handled very well and that they were tasteful in what they did show. Overall, the movie was actually quite good. A little slow, and very very depressing. Like watching Quills, Requiem for a Dream and Dancer in the Dark all back to back! And considering we watched it in between playing a horror survival game- well it was quite the Sat night!

Then there is the nightmare of a book that I cannot bring myself to finish. I don’t do that you know, I try my best to finish books. I feel like I have invested the time and I need to bring myself to read the whole thing in order to complain competently about the material. But, I have hit a wall. And I cannot finish this abomination of a story. “Dead: The Ugly Beginning” is the worst book I think I have read in a looooooooong time. First off, the author has seen fit to flip flop from first person to third person and back to first, no wait, third no wait… ARRRGH! The there is the lack of any real threat. I mean sure the zombies are there, but I am not motivated to be the least bit afraid of them. Time after time all the characters have to do is just blow the heads away or use a sword? Have you ever tried to us a sword? Neither have I but I am pretty sure I just can’t pick one up and start knocking off heads with it!
The zombies are always described as “the thing who was once blah blah blah”. That got old after the second description. And if I read one more thing about the smell… whoopty freakin doo, they all smell bad. Does everyone in the book have to puke? I am hoping that the smell is coming from the INFECTION and not from DECOMPOSITION, because that would mean someone did very little research for his opus.

I am convinced that he did not do any research at all.

I got to the bit about Wal-Mart. See what I did there? Big W, squiggly, BIG M!! If you are gona use a small M you leave the squiggly out. Ok maybe I am just splitting hairs, but when you make ugly comments about the unnecessary size of our bay doors and call the backroom a “warehouse” then you can expect me to be a bit cranky!! Newsflash folks: Wal-Mart does NOT have an ENTIRE store located in their backrooms. We barely have enough room to cram the overstock that we have now, but that overstock isn’t a 10th of what is on the floor. And the characters must have been just stooopid. I mean absolutely STOOOPID to spend time “tearing down” the bay doors with an axe instead of just popping off the lock and pulling them up like a sensible person!

Then there is the character who was a fat-assed cow, then lost weight and became so grateful for compliments she became a redonkculous WHORE. Yes, you read that right. Look, I know that some folks, well MOST folks don’t see Big as beautiful. And that is just fine, you are missing out on a wonderful group of fine folks, but that is your digs. However, I am SICK to death of reading about fatties who either literally throw their weight around (I’m lookin at you Long and Moon!) or who do the shit in this pathetic excuse for a zombie book and put out because someone half-assed a compliment in their direction! I swear to you I wanted to puke when I read the passage: “She drove home with the unfamiliar feeling of semen running down her thigh.” WTF??? Okay I am 300 + pounds and I have seen more than one penis in my time. And you know what? I don’t have to BEG for sex. Even when I wasn’t married, I didn’t have to wait for someone to come along and give me the occasional pity-fuck. I know that not all big girls are confident and own their sexuality, but just ONCE I would love to see someone who is NOT a large person write a story about a large man or woman who is happy with who they are and can get laid without debasing themselves to do it.

Granted, it was a very very small story in an otherwise laughable plot. The dude even mentions exactly what I was thinking: The Stand with zombies. YAWN! If I wanted to read The Stand, I would read it. I have a feeling that this writer considers himself on the same page as Mr. King. WRONG! You are not fit to lick his balls, much less compare your idiotic ramblings to his superior writing. And he claims there are gona be at least 5 books in this series? Well there’s 5 books I won’t be reading!

Bottom line: Give up writing and go work at Wal-Mart… you might learn something.

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